*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so itβs nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Iβve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo π€·ββοΈ
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Still my favourite meme.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then Iβd finally see the top of our familyβs weekly laundry pile
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someoneβs name.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.