No, he would not have.
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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I’m giving up ice.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..