Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Why is everyone getting married at me
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.