“Wait, let me explain..”
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it