When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
The cashier just checked me out.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”