FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
#JohnTravolta
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My birthstone is kidney
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Just say no
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either