*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
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[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.