Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
there’s probably a fee though
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Holy moly
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive