I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.