satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I hope it’s French Onion!
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.