I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
my retirement plan is braless
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.