WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
You Might Also Like
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Boating season is upon us.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.