Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?