yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO