[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire