I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Seems a bit forward
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Can’t stop laughing
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in