I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night