Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
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What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*