Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
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goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”