MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix