My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Well, that should do it
*pokes sex life with a stick
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING