I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
this is the news I live for
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
just witnessed a drug deal
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.