My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Just how popey was the pope today?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…