[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
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Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.