Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Who knew!
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™