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Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.