Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Welcome to Twitter: itβs high school except we all have gray hair.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I havenβt bathed in weeks
them: againβ¦this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
guy inventing constellations: see that square? itβs a fish
Good morning!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
dudes be like βoh you βloveβ this band? name 72 of their songsβ pump the brakes Tyler, you canβt name your childβs pediatrician
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one youβre wearing is great!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I wasnβt planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Once a toddler learns βwhy?β Itβs all over
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.