The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
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Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
😏😏😏
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I have never related to a cat more
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.