Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
starting a garage orchestra
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Still my favourite meme.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!