I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
water it, i dare you
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Found the job I’m suited for
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.