[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.