Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?