There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
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I have a black belt in leather
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?