Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Boating season is upon us.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Easy enough.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*