Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second