*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
WHY?!
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
favorite tropes as memes
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No