I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My blood type is b hungry.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg