[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
You Might Also Like
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
From Facebook just now…
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park