The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.