Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place