it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
You Might Also Like
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.