“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
A wise man once said nothing.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.