My brain is a bad influence on me
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets