Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Truth
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
*serious situation*
My brain:
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: