Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
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If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.