I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
You Might Also Like
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk