i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Nomnomnomnom
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The days of good grammer has went
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*