Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“We will wed,” I threatened
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.