Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.