Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work